Orphan: Cause for Panic?

The adoption community is abuzz over the new horror movie “Orphan,” which (in its trailer) raises the question of whether adoptive parents can love their children as much as biological parents do. Here’s an article about it.

Personally, I have a hard time getting worked up about this one. While I’m not into horror flicks, I understand the appeal for some: the opportunity to face one’s deepest fears in order to get a thrill in a “safe” environment. Frankly, anyone who has ever dealt with a child with attachment issues is not going to see this movie: They’ve already lived the nightmare. For them, “Orphan” would not be the least bit entertaining.

Reading over the comments following the CBS article, it seemed to me that most comments fell in one of two categories, both of which needed a bit of balance. The “get over it, it’s just a movie” camp, on one hand, missed or ignored altogether the fact that there really are people out there for whom adoption has turned out to be something less than the rosy scenario they’d thought it would be. Many of these people do, in fact, wonder if they will ever LIKE — much less love — the little monsters who are draining them of every last bit of energy and goodwill. I hear from these parents more often than I’d like to admit.

And yet, the “OMG, my children are going to be scarred for life” variety, I thought, also needed a bit of balance. As for the idea that it might dissuade a potential couple from adopting, I’d say this: foster care and adoption is not for the weak of heart. If a simple movie — or movie trailer — is enough to turn a couple off to the process, it’s probably better that way.

And yet, if you’ve thought about foster care or foster-adoption, and wonder whether “Orphan” is a case of art imitating life, I can only say that my children and their two older siblings (adopted separately) are very different children from those who went into the system. Love really is the most powerful force in the universe. Yes, the path can grow dark at times, and the children will raise questions about the circumstances of their adoption throughout their lives as they reach various developmental milestones. But in the vast majority of cases, the adoptive family bond holds as tight as any biological bond. 

I think Warner Brothers is making a prudent choice to redo the trailer — if for no other reason than it presents another opportunity to get more mileage out of the original gaffe. Me, I think the fact that 129,000 children go to sleep at night without a loving, permanent family is a lot more upsetting . . . and something worth doing everything possible to change.

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Miracle Monday: “Forever Mom” at the Movies!

Today I came across a new (to me) website for those interested in learning about foster care, called “Learn to Foster & Adopt.” Although the organization focuses on foster and adoption in the San Francisco area, much of the information is relevant to the needs of foster and adoptive parents all over the country. (I was particularly impressed with the fact that they focus almost exclusively in promoting through new media.)

One article that caught my eye was by “Forever Mom,” a review of the movie Hotel for Dogs. The author writes, “… foster and adoptive parents should be aware that there are major foster care and adoption themes [in this movie] that might upset some children – particularly those who have experienced abuse and neglect, a lack of food, multiple moves and/or sibling separation.”

One of the most challenging parts of foster parenting (or foster-adoptive parenting) is trying to anticipate the long-term consequences of events that would be non-issues for other children. This movie is one such example, but the list can be endless: a holiday, birthday card, sleep-over, or new pet. Each of these things can bring back old memories, reopen new wounds.

However, I find this woman’s compassion and sensitivity a refreshing example of how foster parents — GOOD foster parents — can help children from troubled backgrounds gain perspective and healing from the past. Check out this wonderful website … You’ll meet other inspiring men and women just like her!

Miracle Monday: 40 Reasons We’d Do It Again … Thoughts on Adoption

With Valentine’s Day freshly behind us — a time for married couples to renew their love for one another and Hallmark and Godiva to make their shareholders smile — I’d like to reprise a tribute of a different kind.

I wrote this a couple of years ago, but the feelings are the same. It is the dearest wish of my heart that more couples would consider adoption. With more than 500,000 children currently in the U.S. needing temporary or permanent homes, there are ample opportunities for generous souls to reach out.

Foster-Adoption is not without its challenges. You hear all kinds of horror stories about kids who have been abused and/or neglected who have difficulty bonding with their new families. Sadly, you don’t hear so much about the “happy endings” (and I count my family’s among them): Children who outgrow the worst of their behavioral issues, and grow up to be loving, affectionate kids. NORMAL kids. Happy kids.

Of course, it does no good to go in “blind.” Information is power, and letting couples know up front that some struggle with the transition … and then go on to form happy families … Well, that is information worth knowing. Forewarned is forearmed.

Having said that, I do believe that there are many good reasons for considering adoption. And here are my top forty reasons why Craig and I would adopt Christopher and Sarah all over again if we could. (And hopefully do it a little smarter the second time around.) 

Outstanding International Adoption Websites

Today I found an international adoption website that I can’t refer specifically by name because they need to keep the blog private for the present due to the special circumstances related to their adoption.

However, I wanted to share with my readers three sites that those who are seeking international adoption will find particularly helpful. I’ve saved them in the “International Adoption” blogroll.

The first, “Informed Adoptions,” offers a wide variety of articles that are especially good for transracial adoption, particularly those from Guatemala.

The second, “The Hague Convention Guide for Prospective Adoptive Parents” is a primer for those who want to better understand the changes in the adoption this year.

 “Adoption Agency Ratings” offers a list of 1200 adoption agencies, there for your researching pleasure.

Finally, those interested in foster-adoption may be interested in this online resource, the “Child Welfare Information Gateway”

When I get permission to list my “source” I will do just that — thanks, K!

Be Not Afraid

Today at CatholicExchange.com, Mark Shea answers the question, “What would you do if your unborn child received a poor diagnosis, such that you knew he or she would not survive for long?”

If you or someone you know is struggling with this issue, you may like to know about a special online ministry to grieving parents called “Be Not Afraid.net.” With compassion and courage, parents of “imperfect” children share their experiences with others, and affirm the reality that every child is a gift from God, no matter how long that child is in our arms.

This is something worth considering for parents who are seriously considering adoption or foster-adoption, but hold back in case something should “go wrong” and the child be returned to the birth parents.  No human relationship — no matter how loving — is guaranteed for life. And yet, if you choose to love, that relationship has lasting effects that will transform both parties for life.

Thanks, Mark, for sharing your wisdom on this!

Foster Care by State

Carrie Craft

Today I came across this useful state-by-state guide, compiled by foster care and adoption expert Carrie Craft. Carrie has a wealth of information for parents who are considering foster care or foster-adoption.

If you have ever considered opening your home to one of the 500,000 children in the U.S. in need of temporary or permanent homes, this is a great place to start!