Have you heard of the new Catholic Women’s publication, the Helena Daily? Today one of their editors, Dr. Carrie Gress, who is author of The Marian Option, is running a short interview with me about getting into Catholic publishing. Check it out — and check out her beautiful blog, “My Favorite Catholic Things”!
Anyone re-entering the workplace after taking time to pursue other goals — college, family, or writing the next Great American Novel — knows that finding the ramp back to the fast track can be a daunting experience. (For those who live in Michigan, it’s more of a “painfully slow” track, but I digress.)
Coming up with a plausible explanation for any gaps in the resume is one thing; being able to articulate how these non-revenue-producing endeavors have contributed to one’s personal bottom line is something else.
So this past week, I’ve been thinking about my vocation as a wife and mother, and above all as a child of God. Even the word “vocation” is more complex for me now than it was when I was single. It is infinitely easier to look “together” and “successful” without a captive audience to witness those less-together moments. As a single adult, I led the worship team and managed sixty projects a year. As a wife and mother, I sat in the church’s “cry room” and aspired to a shower before dinner.
Here’s the thing: As time went on, I discovered more than a little overlap in the life lessons I”ve learned between the “two me’s.” For example:
One day at a time. Projecting too far into the future based on one’s present circumstances can be problematic for mothers and editors alike. As a new mother, I had to pull focus from “building a writer’s platform” and concentrate on the immediate challenges at hand (like getting that aforementioned shower). My kids needed me to be fully present.
Now this lesson takes a very different form: I try not to obsess over the “big picture” of what God has planned for my life. Instead, day by day I take up the challenge at hand, always trying to remain attentive to that still, small voice of the Spirit. A Spirit who often speaks to me through my own family.
Rest in the knowledge that God knows me best, and loves me anyway. Like most people, I have at times wished that life had a rewind button. As a mom, I’ve cringed over my children’s boisterous behavior in public. My inner critic howled over the injustice of going from choir director to cry-room dropout in just a few short days.
Now, having come I’m through the worst of it, it’s alot easier to silence that inner critic where other people are concerned. Not that I have a flawless record. Like most people, I’ve said and done things that — in retrospect — were cringeworthy. And yet, my children have taught me something about God’s unconditional love, which helps me to extend tolerance and grace to others.
The Iceberg Principle: Human beings are like icebergs: There’s a lot more than meets the eye. These “hidden mysteries” inform and motivate both our actions and reactions. However, with time and effort it is possible to develop an instinctive sense of the “danger zones.”
For example, I can always tell when one of my children “forgets” to take a certain medicine or has had a bad night. The brother-sister banter is edgier, with shriller howls of protest. Cereal turns to mush as the kid in question makes umpteen trips to and from the breakfast nook. Directions go unheard and unheeded. As the mom, I understand why this kid is acting like a gerbil on crack. It’s not intentional, but aggravating nevertheless.
The Iceberg Principle applies in the workplace as well, motivating us to invest on a personal level with those on our “team.” If we fail to do this, behavior that a friend might interpret to be “collaborative” (or “proactive”), to a casual acquaintence might seem “lazy” (or “egotistical”). Misunderstandings (or being misunderstood) is an occupational hazard for those who refuse to map out those hidden layers.
What do you think? Have you made the transition from stay-at-home to either work-from-home or work-away-from-home? If so . . . are there any aspects of parenting that have made you a more valuable employee?
Today at Mommy Monsters, I posted a little introspective (hopefully not too self-indulgent) bit on personal transitions and changes.
For many of us, the innocent question “What do you do?” is not as simple as it sounds. So many of us have lives that are fragmented, bits and pieces of obligations and expectations that never seem to end.
Are you feeling a bit fragmented today? Listen to these soothing words from the Book of Isaiah, a man who knew something about being over-extended and over-whelmed, leading the Children of Israel out of captivity:
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)
The thing is (having watched the show a time or two myself), I can recall several story lines in the show that would suggest that this is not a case that even the author of the series has been able to pull off convincingly:
* Carrie (SJ Parker’s character) gets her heart broken NUMEROUS times with her compulsion to secure the lasting affection of her favorite “Bad Boy” (Mr. Big). Although judging from the movie trailers she does manage to get her man in the end … what lasting happiness can she expect to find with a serial philanderer whose previous marriage she was largely responsible for ending — and who drove away the one man (Aiden) who was clearly far better suited to marriage and family? The Parker character is not a strong, confident, centered individual who wins Mr. Right after a careful evaluation of his suitability as a life partner; her heart is a tatter of scar tissue, held together by an obsessive fear of winding up alone.
* Miranda (Cynthia Nixon), a strong corporate lawyer whose career is derailed when she becomes impregnated by her on-again, off-again lover Steve (David Eigenberg), chooses life for her son Brady (yeah!) … and (give or take a few bedhops as the child is passed back and forth like so much baggage) finally winds up with Steve and his crazy mother. In Brooklyn (which appears to be a Manhattan career gal’s version of purgatory). The thing is, the live-in housekeeper, weekend brunching in the city with the girls, fabulous house, overly accommodating boyfriend/husband, etc etc. is so far removed from the life of most single mothers’ experience, I find her storyline more than a little implausible. And irritating.
* Charlotte (Kristin Davis), obstensibly the most “traditional” character looking to secure a husband and family. And yet she, too, is a fragile soul. Her first marriage to a well-monied doctor dissolves when her baby obsession wears holes in her marriage big enough to drive a triple stroller through (a story line that provides food for though for those of us who yearn for a child). Weeks after her divorce, she converts to Judaism to snag Harry (who initially repulses her because of his back hair and eating habits), husband #2, and like everything else, she dives into the trappings of her new faith, braiding challah and making matzo balls with gusto … but with little thought to the God behind it all. Finally, she and Harry adopt a little girl from China.
* Samantha (Kim Cattrall) is the uber-feminist with the most “manly” (from the feminist perspective) appetites. And yet, you don’t have to watch more than an episode or two to see how guarded, broken, and desperately lonely her heart is. She keeps up with the “men” she beds … by sacrificing everything that makes her most womanly. It takes a bout with breast cancer to wake her up and make her evaluate her life with her boy-toy “Smith.” Sure, he shaves his head in solidarity when she loses her locks to chemo … but will he still be around twenty years from now, when she’s well into her sixties and Charlotte’s daughter is back from college?
I’m not suggesting that we should all run out and see the movie … frankly, I’ve already seen more than enough of these four women to realize how much the young women around us NEED the friendship of women like us (instead of talking amongst themselves). Women who have navigated the relational minefields and are working to build a stable, secure family despite our many mistakes.
Now, the fact that I am a happily married woman with two children, in some circles, disqualifies me to ask these questions … They are dismissed as the prejudicial rantings of a smug and sexually straight-laced religious fanatic. It doesn’t matter that I was thirty-five, with my own share of heart scars and regrets, when I married (having moved across the country at least partly to escape the toxic tango with my own “Mr. Big”). It doesn’t matter that I actually know enough about SATC from having WATCHED it that I can point out these tell-tale story lines that (let’s just say it) were not of MY making. I just calls them as I sees them.
Some of you may be reading this and mentally (or even physically) be taking me off your blogroll because I am more in touch with the secular culture than any good Catholic should be … or bringing up issues that are totally irrelevant to your lives since you would no more watch SATC than force-feed your family from the compost heap. I understand that … and I freely admit that there are many of you who are much farther along the trail to perfection than I am (and who write primarily for others who are similarly advanced in the spiritual life).
And yet, it is my sincere hope, my earnest prayer, that someone will see themselves in this post and … make a different choice. Because the scars are real, painful, and lasting. How much better to avoid the wound altogether! And how good to know that, even if we make the wrong choice and find ourselves bleeding, we have not necessarily consigned ourselves to a lifetime of damaged relationships.
We can choose again. Make different choices. Smarter choices. Choose to break the toxic relationship patterns. Choose to stop, just stop. Choose to stop dating until our own issues are resolved and we are in a healthy place to start looking for the husband God wants to give us. Choose to stop obsessing about pregnancy, and invest in our marriages as they are RIGHT NOW. Choose not to put a child’s life in jeopardy with IVF experimentation. Choose adoption.
These are real-life choices you will never regret.